In Rapid Pursuit

Today was another Sunday without church.  It has pretty much been this way since Thanksgiving, with the exception of singing at 3 Christmas Eve services.  I didn’t listen to the message, though, so does that really count?

I am trying to process how it feels to be “free” on a Sunday.  I want to say good, but it just feels weird.

Church was such a huge part of my life for the last 5 years.  It just seems weird to be disconnected.  I walked in their tonight to hear a friend of mine speak.  It felt so uncomfortable and weird.

I did, however, start to watch the beta test of the web campus at NewSpring.  It left me with some thoughts.

First, I freaking love that church’s worship.  The girl who sang tonight probably blew the paint off the walls.  She is amazing.  I love how they appear to work together as a team.  They switch things up, and they all seem to be engaged.  BONUS!

Second, I am questioning how connected I will feel if this is the only church service I “attend.”  I don’t know.  It will be an interesting journey to be on.

The last thought that I am left with tonight is the fact that, now more than ever, I am sure that God has huge plans for my life.  I am going to try to experience every moment of that and not live in the past or the future!!!

At work, that is.

My only full-time employee had a baby this weekend.  He is too cute, by the way!  I am not the typical “i want to hold your newborn baby” kinda girl, but I couldn’t resist.

I digress!

Then, my hygienist that works 3 days a week has not worked since before Christmas because of a back injury.

So, that leaves me and a hygienist that works 1 day a week.

Luckily, I have found someone to fill-in on a limited basis for both of my employees.  But, I am busting my butt!!  They aren’t trained on the computer so I am doing all of the check-in/out of patients.  I am also handling all of the billing, lab work, cleaning, you know. . . . all that stuff that I take for granted that it gets done.

I miss them, but I love being busy!  Have I said that I love my job?  I DO!!

picture-6

The snow today was a blessing.  I wanted to watch history in the making.  I am doing just that, in my jammies!

Are you watching?  Thoughts?

I am re-reading “The Shack.”  I read it twice when it first came out, but it seems like everyone around me is just now reading it.  So, I felt like I needed to read it again so I could join in on the conversation.  I came across this tonight and it spoke volumes to my heart.

Paradigms power perception and perceptions power emotions.  Most emotions are responses to perception – what you think is true about a given situation.  If your perception is false, then your emotional response to it will be false too.  So, check your perceptions, and beyond that check the truthfulness of your paradigms – what you believe.  Just because you believe something firmly doesn’t make it true.  Be willing to reexamine what you believe.  The more you live in the truth, the more your emotions will help you see clearly.  But even then, you don’t want to trust them more than me.

So, I knew it would be hard to stop singing.  Tonight I am feeling the weight of that.

I am singing tomorrow night at a dinner.  It is the only thing I have planned as far as singing goes.  And. . . it was just a last minute thing because someone backed out.  (I know that is a lot of useless info, but go with it. . . it’s late!)

It was fun practicing tonight.  I don’t remember the last time I felt that way.  The music wasn’t that great.  My vocals were definitely not so good.  We really need more time to rehearse . . . we don’t have it.  But, it was fun to just be creative.  It was fun to sing new music.

It was awesome to remember what that feels like.

Then I came home and watched both episodes of American Idol from this week.  I cried the entire time I watched it.  

I know how stupid that sounds.  I feel stupid for doing it.  But, it just reminded me of the gift God has blessed me with.  It reminded me of how much his heart must ache that I am ignoring that.  It reminded me that I feel called to sing and lead worship.

That’s not happening and tonight my heart is heavy because of it.  The silence is deafening!

I am learning I don’t lead up very well.  I mean, I have tons of ideas, but it seems like there is usually no traction.  Then, once I am gone, there is some.

Weird, huh?

I am learning that my voice isn’t heard.  Maybe that’s because I talk too much.  Maybe when something is important, it is watered down by what I have said that isn’t important.

It’s really frustrating to think that I can lead down, but not up.  I mean, are you really an effective leader if the people above you don’t listen or don’t care?

I say NO! 

I have to work on that. . . work on being quiet most of the time and speaking up only when it counts.  For me, it’s hard.  When I am passionate about something, it’s all important.  When I am pouring my life into something, it’s important.  When most of my time is spent somewhere, it’s important.

When I see changes being made that I begged for, it hurts.  It shouldn’t.  I should be happy.  I am not.  I am sad.  I am sad that I could not communicate effectively.  I know that’s the problem, but it feels like I didn’t matter.

I’m working on this.  I am working on leading up more effectively.  I am working on knowing that my low self esteem may the issue.  I am working on realizing it’s not all about me.

This blog has been negative lately.  I don’t like it like that, but that’s where I am.  I am working on it, but today’s post is not going to be any different.  That’s FULL DISCLOSURE!  Feel free to click away now.

Today I am left with so many questions about community.

This is the thing I loved about church.  I loved meeting people and learning their stories.  I loved meeting their needs.  I loved being part of their lives.

I put up walls, though.  I am wondering where that leaves me as far as people being “in” my life.

When people are talking about you but not to you, is it gossip or concern?  Don’t they have to talk to you about it for it to be real concern?  When people say they are concerned, but never talk to you or send you a note, is it real or fake?

Do I put up walls that don’t let people in?  Do I act like I always have it together so there is no need for concern?  Can people see through that act?  Do I want people to be concerned or do I want to live on an island?

I have tons of questions.  Today, however, I am left feeling like an island.  That may be my fault.  I am praying about that.